Funny Facebook quotes

So these quotes and sayings for Facebook are going to be brilliant – why? Because every one is an excellent one-liner and will make everyone on your Facebook list laugh. Some of them are a little controversial too – so it will force people to leave comments on your genius too – very handy for boosting your rep :P

The last thing about today’s Facebook quotes is that they are mostly positive – so people will be clicking the ‘like’ button on your comments faster than you can say ‘don’t laugh at me, laugh at my Facebook status’.

Anyway, enough of the chit chat – here are the funny Facebook quotes:

More funny Facebook quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!

We always love finding new jokes to use online, so if you have got any more funny one-liners for Facebook quotes then let us know in the comments below!

The first step to hosting a website is to find the right company to go with. You can get a free bit of webspace from Blogger or WordPress, but to be honest that might not be the ideal solution for someone trying to look cool in front of their friends – after all, if ANYONE can do it, then why couldn’t they?

After checking out various hosting options, you should decide on one that suits your needs…now it’s time to fill it up with the funniest one-liners and quotes you can! Here are a few to start you off:

- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroids.

- What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?  A pool table.

- Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers

Got any more funny quotes? Share them with us!!!

Facebook quotes oneliners

Here are the first batch of Facebook quotes for you to use in your status – just copy and paste them from here and you can be sure that people will leave a comment or even press ‘like’.

Facebook quote one-liners

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?  Cause he was caught with seaweed. 
- Especially if you’re in High School too, you know that if you do the crime, you need to do the time.

Last night I had an argument with my wife – she asked me what was on the TV and i said ‘dust’.
- Some people marry someone because of their razor sharp wit and comedy. Some don’t.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Matt
- One of the funniest jokes of all time.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
One of the (other) funniest jokes of all time.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
I have about 20 very religious people on my Facebook list, and each of them would be disgusted to hear this. That’s what I’m hoping anyway!

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
- Or the javelin catcher, harpoon tester…

I souport publik edekasion
- I don’t really understand why this one is funny – is there a spelling mistake?

Honk if you want to see my finger.
- For real. I mean – some people have no sense…they go straight for the horn. Seriously. Don’t.

Honk if you have never seen an uzi fired from a car window.
- OK! I reloaded!

So many pedestrians – So little time.
The GTA generation finally get representation in Facebook quotes!

It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
- Got any low self-esteem friends? Paste this on their Facebook walls!

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
This couldn’t be truer than where I work (in the zoo).

These are all the funny Facebook quotes for today. I hope you find some to use and get some nice comments or likes. Stay cool!