Funny Facebook quotes

So these quotes and sayings for Facebook are going to be brilliant – why? Because every one is an excellent one-liner and will make everyone on your Facebook list laugh. Some of them are a little controversial too – so it will force people to leave comments on your genius too – very handy for boosting your rep :P

The last thing about today’s Facebook quotes is that they are mostly positive – so people will be clicking the ‘like’ button on your comments faster than you can say ‘don’t laugh at me, laugh at my Facebook status’.

Anyway, enough of the chit chat – here are the funny Facebook quotes:

More funny Facebook quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!

We always love finding new jokes to use online, so if you have got any more funny one-liners for Facebook quotes then let us know in the comments below!

The first step to hosting a website is to find the right company to go with. You can get a free bit of webspace from Blogger or WordPress, but to be honest that might not be the ideal solution for someone trying to look cool in front of their friends – after all, if ANYONE can do it, then why couldn’t they?

After checking out various hosting options, you should decide on one that suits your needs…now it’s time to fill it up with the funniest one-liners and quotes you can! Here are a few to start you off:

- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroids.

- What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?  A pool table.

- Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers

Got any more funny quotes? Share them with us!!!

Facebook quotes oneliners

Here are the first batch of Facebook quotes for you to use in your status – just copy and paste them from here and you can be sure that people will leave a comment or even press ‘like’.

Facebook quote one-liners

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?  Cause he was caught with seaweed. 
- Especially if you’re in High School too, you know that if you do the crime, you need to do the time.

Last night I had an argument with my wife – she asked me what was on the TV and i said ‘dust’.
- Some people marry someone because of their razor sharp wit and comedy. Some don’t.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Matt
- One of the funniest jokes of all time.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
One of the (other) funniest jokes of all time.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
I have about 20 very religious people on my Facebook list, and each of them would be disgusted to hear this. That’s what I’m hoping anyway!

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
- Or the javelin catcher, harpoon tester…

I souport publik edekasion
- I don’t really understand why this one is funny – is there a spelling mistake?

Honk if you want to see my finger.
- For real. I mean – some people have no sense…they go straight for the horn. Seriously. Don’t.

Honk if you have never seen an uzi fired from a car window.
- OK! I reloaded!

So many pedestrians – So little time.
The GTA generation finally get representation in Facebook quotes!

It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
- Got any low self-esteem friends? Paste this on their Facebook walls!

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
This couldn’t be truer than where I work (in the zoo).

These are all the funny Facebook quotes for today. I hope you find some to use and get some nice comments or likes. Stay cool!

Many people will find themselves trapped at their relatives’ home this holiday season, and thus will look to the internet to save them from their incarceration, from http://www.casino.com/ to Facebook, and offer some contact with their friends and colleagues who avoided the parent trap by faking a holiday or by unplugging the phone. It is for you people I leave some funny Facebook quotes for you to use in your Facebook chat and status updates!

Never has there been a better time to share Christmas cheer than this December – and now instead of sending Christmas Cards you can leave a funny Facebook quotes in your home feed and remind everyone what the real spirit of Christmas is all about – bitterness, deceit, rage, alcoholism and every other element which keeps families together around the world. Let’s see the quotes:

Funny Christmas quotes

The only thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
- Well if they are red and furry then they shouldn’t be so worried!

Christmas has always been a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
- I know who’s winning the battle in my house, and the answer lives in my shoes!

I never believed in this Santa Claus guy because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- Black, white, yellow or blonde – as long as you have booze, Santa will pay you a visit!

I once bought my children a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it that said “toys not included”.
- That’s why your son is now in prison and your daughter lives with a biker named ‘Bruiser’.

Make sure you mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- The more time you put them in the postal system, the more pieces they’ll be in when they arrive.

Santa Claus has the right idea. You should visit people a maximum of once a year.
- Family members are like fish – they should be grilled thoroughly before eating.

That’s all the funny Facebook quotes for you to use this Christmas period – I hope you have a great time and don’t spend all your time playing with Facebook chat or Twitter!

This time we’re checking out a load of different ones – don’t feel bad if your favourite quote isn’t included, just leave it in the comments and we’ll add them in the future!

Today’s Facebook quotes

47% of all statistics are worthless
- Including 100% of this one.

668: The Neighbour of the Beast.
- Who lives at 69 then?

A banker is someone who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.
- A banker can easily be described by changing one letter of his name.

A bargain is something you do not need at a price you can’t resist.
- Send this one to your mother if she’s on your Facebook list!

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two-tired.
- This joke is colddddd! Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they smell funny!

A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer – it sings because it has a song.
- And a cat yells when it eats a bird.

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Unless you drop it while you’re doing it, and burn yourself and your whole house down.

That’s enough philosophy for now! If you come up with any new Facebook quotes then give me a shout in the comments and I’ll put them up next time!

Well, I’m a populist, so why not? I mean, it can’t be too hard to put some real thought into having some thinkers grace the pages of my website, however I don’t think I can resist putting sarcastic comments after each one, just for good measure. I hope you guys don’t mind!

I’m sure that if you look hard enough on the internet, you will be able to find another site with philosophical Facebook quotes on it anyway, so I’m not too worried about disappointing you! For now, copy and paste away!

Philosophical Facebook quotes

If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible.
- But what if you’re $5 for an hour?

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole.
- And pray that it’s not full of jam.

You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
- But you can kill a person who is playing dead!

How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body?
- And how long was it when you touched it?

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
- If you chase two wolves you might catch rabies.

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
- And some use an umbrella as a weapon (like in James Bond).

The obstacle is the path.
- No, the obstacle is the overturned tanker.

It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch.
- That reminds me, I have to go and see the doctor.

You cannot step into the same river twice.
- And you can’t swim in the deep end without armbands.

Ok I nearly managed to get through it without putting anything offensive, I hope that those looking for quotes for Facebook don’t think that I’m a nutcase who is hell bent on ruining their online social networking experience. I promise I’m not! If you have any other suggestions for philosophy to add to our collective Facebook status updates then please feel free to get in touch with me (leave a not in the comment) and we’ll add it to the Facebook quotes site!

If you didn’t try out any of the funny Facebook quotes from the previous posts, you made a big mistake. I changed my Facebook status about five times in one day, and each one got me a load of people clicking ‘like’ and between five and ten comments! You should try them yourself.

Look below for the quotes and sayings for today’s status, and remember that it doesn’t matter who you offend, as long as they’re not your boss! Or your mother.

Hilarious Facebook quotes

Whatever kind of style you were aiming at, you missed.
- Aimed at all of the teenage girls who hang around my street at 7pm and think that they’re hot stuff!

My cubicle is just a padded cell without no door.
- The sad truth about the working man’s plight (in the loony bin)

I thought I wanted a long career, turns out I just wanted cash money.
- Respect lands WAY down the list when it comes to ‘what makes me happy’!

Too many clowns, not enough circuses.
- And your sister is the one with the biggest red nose!

How do I set a laser pointers to stun?
- Captain? Captain?! Beam me up out of this meeting! It’s as boring as hell!

Never trust a dog to watch your food, never trust a cat to watch your back.
- You never know where they’ve had their claws all day…

Money is the root of all of my wealth.
- So show me the petals and flowers!

If you have more cool Facebook quotes then please let us know about them, because we’re always looking for more! After I watched the new Star Trek movie the other day, I’ve decided to leave my status on the ‘set phasers to stun’ quote for a long time, because it’s hilarious!

To fight against this, I’ve decided that every time someone mentions eating in any Facebook quote, I will copy and paste ‘I HATE YOU’ into the comment box. That should make them stop (or actually, it will probably make them delete me as a friend, but you know…both ways I don’t have to put up with their craziness any more!).

So today we have a great list of Facebook quotes that you can copy into your status, and each of them is in some way funny or witty. There are some good funny Facebook status puns, as well as observations about life that you might have heard before, but even if you have they’re classics!

Funny Facebook quotes of the day

Why do people call them “haemorrhoids”. Shouldn’t they be called “asteroids”?

Ham and egg sandwich. A morning’s work for the baker. A day’s work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Not a bad collection I think. If you put these in your Facebook status then you’re guaranteed to get people commenting on your posts and maybe even pressing Like, which will get them pushed out to more people. Try it today – and if you have any more Facebook quotes to share with us then please feel free to write them in the comments section!

When people can’t stay in the loop and up to date like this, they often become annoyed – and that’s why people have become a bit more vocal about their disappointment. It’s a shame, because the previous incarnation of Facebook’s home screen was a roaring success, and it showed how simplicity is often the most basic and key factors in enjoyment of a product.

This news is really neither here nor there, because in reality what I want to tell you about it some good news – this website is going to bring you a huge number of Facebook quotes which you can copy and paste into your status and use to show your friends how smart you are, or make them smile and laugh!

We know that people have long been waiting for a site to list some funny Facebook quotes, that they can borrow for themselves. We also know that in order for people to become popular on the home page of other people’s FB, they need to have a good number of people clicking ‘like’ on their comments and messages. To do that, you need quotes which are really going to induce people to act, and we’ll make sure there are plenty of them for you!

Check out these examples of Facebook quotes that you can use right now:

Facebook quotes

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One word frees us / Of all the weight and pain in life / That word is Love ~ Socrates

You can see from the examples above that there are loads of cool Facebook quotes here, and we’ll also give you lots of ideas and inspiration to make up your own ones. You can also use this site as a place to give us your best Facebook status quotes and ideas – maybe you think you can do better than me? Prove it!