Funny Facebook quotes

So these quotes and sayings for Facebook are going to be brilliant – why? Because every one is an excellent one-liner and will make everyone on your Facebook list laugh. Some of them are a little controversial too – so it will force people to leave comments on your genius too – very handy for boosting your rep :P

The last thing about today’s Facebook quotes is that they are mostly positive – so people will be clicking the ‘like’ button on your comments faster than you can say ‘don’t laugh at me, laugh at my Facebook status’.

Anyway, enough of the chit chat – here are the funny Facebook quotes:

More funny Facebook quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!

We always love finding new jokes to use online, so if you have got any more funny one-liners for Facebook quotes then let us know in the comments below!

Well, I’m a populist, so why not? I mean, it can’t be too hard to put some real thought into having some thinkers grace the pages of my website, however I don’t think I can resist putting sarcastic comments after each one, just for good measure. I hope you guys don’t mind!

I’m sure that if you look hard enough on the internet, you will be able to find another site with philosophical Facebook quotes on it anyway, so I’m not too worried about disappointing you! For now, copy and paste away!

Philosophical Facebook quotes

If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible.
- But what if you’re $5 for an hour?

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole.
- And pray that it’s not full of jam.

You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
- But you can kill a person who is playing dead!

How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body?
- And how long was it when you touched it?

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
- If you chase two wolves you might catch rabies.

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
- And some use an umbrella as a weapon (like in James Bond).

The obstacle is the path.
- No, the obstacle is the overturned tanker.

It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch.
- That reminds me, I have to go and see the doctor.

You cannot step into the same river twice.
- And you can’t swim in the deep end without armbands.

Ok I nearly managed to get through it without putting anything offensive, I hope that those looking for quotes for Facebook don’t think that I’m a nutcase who is hell bent on ruining their online social networking experience. I promise I’m not! If you have any other suggestions for philosophy to add to our collective Facebook status updates then please feel free to get in touch with me (leave a not in the comment) and we’ll add it to the Facebook quotes site!

If you didn’t try out any of the funny Facebook quotes from the previous posts, you made a big mistake. I changed my Facebook status about five times in one day, and each one got me a load of people clicking ‘like’ and between five and ten comments! You should try them yourself.

Look below for the quotes and sayings for today’s status, and remember that it doesn’t matter who you offend, as long as they’re not your boss! Or your mother.

Hilarious Facebook quotes

Whatever kind of style you were aiming at, you missed.
- Aimed at all of the teenage girls who hang around my street at 7pm and think that they’re hot stuff!

My cubicle is just a padded cell without no door.
- The sad truth about the working man’s plight (in the loony bin)

I thought I wanted a long career, turns out I just wanted cash money.
- Respect lands WAY down the list when it comes to ‘what makes me happy’!

Too many clowns, not enough circuses.
- And your sister is the one with the biggest red nose!

How do I set a laser pointers to stun?
- Captain? Captain?! Beam me up out of this meeting! It’s as boring as hell!

Never trust a dog to watch your food, never trust a cat to watch your back.
- You never know where they’ve had their claws all day…

Money is the root of all of my wealth.
- So show me the petals and flowers!

If you have more cool Facebook quotes then please let us know about them, because we’re always looking for more! After I watched the new Star Trek movie the other day, I’ve decided to leave my status on the ‘set phasers to stun’ quote for a long time, because it’s hilarious!

To fight against this, I’ve decided that every time someone mentions eating in any Facebook quote, I will copy and paste ‘I HATE YOU’ into the comment box. That should make them stop (or actually, it will probably make them delete me as a friend, but you know…both ways I don’t have to put up with their craziness any more!).

So today we have a great list of Facebook quotes that you can copy into your status, and each of them is in some way funny or witty. There are some good funny Facebook status puns, as well as observations about life that you might have heard before, but even if you have they’re classics!

Funny Facebook quotes of the day

Why do people call them “haemorrhoids”. Shouldn’t they be called “asteroids”?

Ham and egg sandwich. A morning’s work for the baker. A day’s work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Not a bad collection I think. If you put these in your Facebook status then you’re guaranteed to get people commenting on your posts and maybe even pressing Like, which will get them pushed out to more people. Try it today – and if you have any more Facebook quotes to share with us then please feel free to write them in the comments section!