Funny Facebook quotes

So these quotes and sayings for Facebook are going to be brilliant – why? Because every one is an excellent one-liner and will make everyone on your Facebook list laugh. Some of them are a little controversial too – so it will force people to leave comments on your genius too – very handy for boosting your rep :P

The last thing about today’s Facebook quotes is that they are mostly positive – so people will be clicking the ‘like’ button on your comments faster than you can say ‘don’t laugh at me, laugh at my Facebook status’.

Anyway, enough of the chit chat – here are the funny Facebook quotes:

More funny Facebook quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!

We always love finding new jokes to use online, so if you have got any more funny one-liners for Facebook quotes then let us know in the comments below!

Facebook quotes oneliners

Here are the first batch of Facebook quotes for you to use in your status – just copy and paste them from here and you can be sure that people will leave a comment or even press ‘like’.

Facebook quote one-liners

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?  Cause he was caught with seaweed. 
- Especially if you’re in High School too, you know that if you do the crime, you need to do the time.

Last night I had an argument with my wife – she asked me what was on the TV and i said ‘dust’.
- Some people marry someone because of their razor sharp wit and comedy. Some don’t.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Matt
- One of the funniest jokes of all time.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
One of the (other) funniest jokes of all time.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
I have about 20 very religious people on my Facebook list, and each of them would be disgusted to hear this. That’s what I’m hoping anyway!

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
- Or the javelin catcher, harpoon tester…

I souport publik edekasion
- I don’t really understand why this one is funny – is there a spelling mistake?

Honk if you want to see my finger.
- For real. I mean – some people have no sense…they go straight for the horn. Seriously. Don’t.

Honk if you have never seen an uzi fired from a car window.
- OK! I reloaded!

So many pedestrians – So little time.
The GTA generation finally get representation in Facebook quotes!

It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
- Got any low self-esteem friends? Paste this on their Facebook walls!

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
This couldn’t be truer than where I work (in the zoo).

These are all the funny Facebook quotes for today. I hope you find some to use and get some nice comments or likes. Stay cool!

Many people will find themselves trapped at their relatives’ home this holiday season, and thus will look to the internet to save them from their incarceration, from http://www.casino.com/ to Facebook, and offer some contact with their friends and colleagues who avoided the parent trap by faking a holiday or by unplugging the phone. It is for you people I leave some funny Facebook quotes for you to use in your Facebook chat and status updates!

Never has there been a better time to share Christmas cheer than this December – and now instead of sending Christmas Cards you can leave a funny Facebook quotes in your home feed and remind everyone what the real spirit of Christmas is all about – bitterness, deceit, rage, alcoholism and every other element which keeps families together around the world. Let’s see the quotes:

Funny Christmas quotes

The only thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
- Well if they are red and furry then they shouldn’t be so worried!

Christmas has always been a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
- I know who’s winning the battle in my house, and the answer lives in my shoes!

I never believed in this Santa Claus guy because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- Black, white, yellow or blonde – as long as you have booze, Santa will pay you a visit!

I once bought my children a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it that said “toys not included”.
- That’s why your son is now in prison and your daughter lives with a biker named ‘Bruiser’.

Make sure you mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- The more time you put them in the postal system, the more pieces they’ll be in when they arrive.

Santa Claus has the right idea. You should visit people a maximum of once a year.
- Family members are like fish – they should be grilled thoroughly before eating.

That’s all the funny Facebook quotes for you to use this Christmas period – I hope you have a great time and don’t spend all your time playing with Facebook chat or Twitter!

Well, I’m a populist, so why not? I mean, it can’t be too hard to put some real thought into having some thinkers grace the pages of my website, however I don’t think I can resist putting sarcastic comments after each one, just for good measure. I hope you guys don’t mind!

I’m sure that if you look hard enough on the internet, you will be able to find another site with philosophical Facebook quotes on it anyway, so I’m not too worried about disappointing you! For now, copy and paste away!

Philosophical Facebook quotes

If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible.
- But what if you’re $5 for an hour?

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole.
- And pray that it’s not full of jam.

You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
- But you can kill a person who is playing dead!

How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body?
- And how long was it when you touched it?

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
- If you chase two wolves you might catch rabies.

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
- And some use an umbrella as a weapon (like in James Bond).

The obstacle is the path.
- No, the obstacle is the overturned tanker.

It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch.
- That reminds me, I have to go and see the doctor.

You cannot step into the same river twice.
- And you can’t swim in the deep end without armbands.

Ok I nearly managed to get through it without putting anything offensive, I hope that those looking for quotes for Facebook don’t think that I’m a nutcase who is hell bent on ruining their online social networking experience. I promise I’m not! If you have any other suggestions for philosophy to add to our collective Facebook status updates then please feel free to get in touch with me (leave a not in the comment) and we’ll add it to the Facebook quotes site!

To fight against this, I’ve decided that every time someone mentions eating in any Facebook quote, I will copy and paste ‘I HATE YOU’ into the comment box. That should make them stop (or actually, it will probably make them delete me as a friend, but you know…both ways I don’t have to put up with their craziness any more!).

So today we have a great list of Facebook quotes that you can copy into your status, and each of them is in some way funny or witty. There are some good funny Facebook status puns, as well as observations about life that you might have heard before, but even if you have they’re classics!

Funny Facebook quotes of the day

Why do people call them “haemorrhoids”. Shouldn’t they be called “asteroids”?

Ham and egg sandwich. A morning’s work for the baker. A day’s work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Not a bad collection I think. If you put these in your Facebook status then you’re guaranteed to get people commenting on your posts and maybe even pressing Like, which will get them pushed out to more people. Try it today – and if you have any more Facebook quotes to share with us then please feel free to write them in the comments section!